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Jan 18 2012

Uranium Ore

 

Hello western world,

Ever since I was just a young goat farmer, I had always wanted to be a terrorist. Some people wanted to grow up to be lawyers and strippers, I simply wanted to grow up to create quite a ruckus. However, I always found it troublesome that I couldn’t find any nuclear waste just lying around for a hard-working farmer like myself and at a modest budget at that. Thankful, as technology developed, so too, did the internet and Amazon. Now, Uranium Ore is available for me to purchase and without a background check or any special licenses to boot! Thank you lax American government security!

Side note: the product says this item should only be used for scientific or educational purposes. If that’s the case, maybe they shouldn’t sell it on a widely used website for less than the cost of two new DVD’s.

Own a small portion of ingredients needed to create your own weapon of mass destruction here.

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Jan 18 2012

Cashel Daddle

***I searched for many weeks on Amazon to find the most disturbing product that is actually for sale to humankind. I think I may have just found the Mona Lisa of them all.***

Meet the Daddle. Look at that picture above a little more. I think the son looks more mortified than the father does. Ever wanted to ride daddy (or mommy) like a horse and put them in their rightful place below you, where they belong? Well now, with only 40 bucks extracted, you can!

The product description says it is suitable for ages 2-6 or higher depending on how ‘strong’ dad wants to prove he is. I feel like that description alone is borderline terrifying and a lawsuit waiting to happen all at once. If any of your relatives buy you this at any point in your life, you should seriously consider either working on your speaking skills or perhaps getting a new family.

If you are the kind of person that knows what a furry is, likes bondage or just appreciates the finer things in life such as living on a farm with the Good Ol’ Boys, then you might love this product. For the rest of us, there is eHarmony.

Lasso over your very own human saddle role-playing machine here.

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Jan 3 2012

Accoutrements Yodelling Pickle

Hot damn. A yodeling pickle. And I had almost given up on the world. I ordered this little beauty and I was soon bringing all the boys to MY yard. Interestingly enough, the product description on Amazon’s page says it provides “hours of mindless entertainment’”.  I, unfortunately, have never read such a false proclamation in my life. Mere minutes after I blew into the pickle and finished playing Beethoven’s 5th Symphony, I solved a Rubik’s Cube, finally understood female emotions and then suddenly grasped what Donny Darko was about. Mindless entertainment? I think not. This is a thinking man’s toy.

Also, the product totally looks phallic, so that’s kinda funny. Lots of jokes to be made I’m sure, people sure do love a good joke. If you ever meet the president, tell him a good penis joke. I’m sure security will like it as well.

Order your very own yodeling pickle here and be the talk of the town, for better or for worse.

Whistle
Jan 2 2012

Acme Nightingale Whistle

If you are like me, you hate all birds except Nightingales. Crows? Yeah, right. Doves? Screw that. I wanted a whistle that you could place water in, spend hours trying to figure out how it worked, call a Nightingale and walk away in frustration when nothing shows up at your doorstep except bitter disappointment. Thankfully, such a product exists on the web.

The product works just like it says in its description, it ‘warbles’ and things of that nature. Unfortunately, it still won’t get me a gf no matter how much I blow into it at my local Applebees. Perhaps I need a nicer polo shirt.

Thankfully, the whistle also comes with a full-page diagram of how to properly use the contraption but its written in French and the picture looks like a hand grenade cupped in the stick figures hands. So, that’s good.

Order your very own metal flask bird caller here.

Swaddle
Jan 2 2012

Summer Infant Swaddlepod

Do you get tired of your baby doing annoying things like moving and acting alive when you are trying to sleep or making sweet, sweet love? I sure as hell do, so I went ahead and ordered the Swaddlepod from Amazon and haven’t looked back since. Basically, I stuck my small child in the cocoon/torture device thing and it swallowed it whole in a cozy abyss in mere seconds. Now, I have plenty of time to watch Lost reruns and look for a new sugar daddy. It also almost cured my terminal cancer, which is a good bonus indeed.

Side note, Swaddle has to be the best name for anything ever. If I ever have another child, I shall name him Swaddle Junior and raise him to be a great warrior. He will marry a princess and there will be many songs told in his honor for killing a giant mammoth.

Link: Click Here to buy your own Swaddle child squisher!

Dec 31 2011

Bic Crystal Ballpoint Pen

I received a Bic Ballpoint Pen a few weeks ago and was initially very pleased with the product but after a short amount of time and normal usage, it stopped working. There was no instruction manual or power supply and there didn’t seem anyway to charge it back up. I then decided to call the customer help line to find out the status of the pens warranty and to see if I could get it replaced or repaired at the least. However, the female who answered my call was rude and hung up on me.

An alright product but short life span, horrible customer service and a scam overall.

Click here to purchase your very own pen!!!